


The Act of Self-Sacrifice

by total_theatre_nerd



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 10:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10739748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/total_theatre_nerd/pseuds/total_theatre_nerd
Summary: They had gotten complacent in their giddiness to see each other again. Even before this moment there had been times where cautiousness was not top of their priorities, and it seemed as if having a few months go by without any incident had made them less discrete.And so here they were, snogging breathlessly in the wine cellar at ten o’clock in the morning, and that is when everything changed.A finding out one shot that snuck up on me and gave me a little break from my studying.A different take on them being discovered, with a different person finding out and the events that unfold…Starts off sad and angsty but then ends up happy-ish.Hope you enjoy :)





	The Act of Self-Sacrifice

Adil had never been impatient. In fact, he thought that patience was one of his most redeeming qualities. God knows he needed it when dealing with the majority of stuck up Lords and Ladies that came into his bar. But when it came to Toby everything he thought he knew shifted, and he found himself acting like a love struck fool.

Three days it had been since Adil had seen him. Three whole days. They kept missing each other - Toby working late at the war office, or Adil having to stay and help Mr Garland with things, after which he was promptly shuffled out the back door, leaving him no way to sneak back in to make it up to Toby’s room. Three days since he’d seen Toby’s dazzling smile, heard his laugh, held his hand. It was far too long. 

And so that is why, as soon as Adil heard the whistling and the footsteps trailing down into the cellar he grinned and placed the wine he had picked up gently back onto the shelf. 

It was just after 10am. Adil was the only barman on at this time, since they didn’t open till noon. They would be alone. 

Adil turned around and watched as Toby made his way towards him. 

“God, I’ve missed your face…” Toby breathed out, greeting him with a smile.

Adil just chuckled and reached out to grab Toby, pulling him into a tight hug.

“I’ve missed you too,” he replied, before moving out of the embrace, cupping Toby’s face and pulling him into a kiss. 

Never would he have done something so indiscreet before. But it had been three whole days since he had kissed Toby, and he had found that it was quite addicting. He could not dream of waiting till that night to have Toby’s lips on his own again, and so he went for it. No patience at all.

Instead of Toby pulling away in fear like Adil was half expecting, he just let out a breathy moan and surrendered himself to the kiss. Adil felt himself being pushed backwards until he walked into a wall with a thud. He quickly used what little strength he had to flip them around, pressing Toby into the surface and placing his hands on either side of his face. Toby’s hands snaked around his waist and gripped tight. Neither of them breaking the kiss for one second. 

If either of them had been thinking they would’ve stopped things. Even if Adil had been kissing a girl like this he knew that it was an inappropriate thing to do in public, never mind in his workplace. 

These thoughts began to come to the forefront of his mind and Adil pulled back regrettably, all ready with good intentions to tell Toby to stop. But then Toby’s mouth was on his neck and he couldn’t think much of anything at all. 

“Toby I’ve told you, you can’t mark me where people will see…” Adil managed to get out in between deep breaths. He didn’t know what Mr Garland would do if he turned up to his shift with bruises all over his neck, but he knew the outcome would not be good. 

Toby pulled back with a groan and pouted.

“I want people to know that you’re taken.”

“Don’t be silly Toby. No one ever looks twice at me. You have nothing to worry about. Besides, I will always chose you over anyone else, without hesitation,” he knew that Toby’s insecurities ran deep, deeper than he probably knew himself. So he always tried to make him feel beautiful and wanted and loved. 

Adil didn’t kid himself, he knew that whatever this was that was going on between them was not going to last. Toby had just figured himself out. Adil was the first person he had ever been with – in every way. If their story didn’t end with one or both of them in jail then it would end with Adil heartbroken as Toby tossed him away to be with another, more suitable, lover. For no matter how much Adil wished you could get a happy ending by just wanting it, he knew that had never been an option. 

Looking at Toby now though, smiling down at him from his ridiculous height, his lips slightly swollen and cheeks flushed, it was easy for Adil to forget that this could ever bring him anything but happiness. 

“I am honoured,” Toby joked in reply, bringing his hands up to run through Adil’s hair.

“I have to go to work, but I’m off early this evening. Come to my room tonight? I need to see you.” Toby practically begged, not that Adil needed much persuasion.

“Of course, Toby,” Adil smiled in reply, before pulling him back into a kiss.

They had gotten complacent in their giddiness to see each other again. Even before this moment there had been times where cautiousness was not top of their priorities, and it seemed as if having a few months go by without any incident had made them less discrete. 

And so here they were, snogging breathlessly in the wine cellar at ten o’clock in the morning, and that is when everything changed. 

Neither of them heard the footsteps, too caught up in their own little world. 

Neither of them heard Joe’s voice start to call out “Adil? I know the bar’s not open yet but I was hoping I could…” before trailing off as he took in the scene. 

Adil quickly broke away from Toby and spun around, eyes wide. He placed his body in front of Toby’s, arms outstretched, as if to shield him from the journalist’s eyes. As if it wasn’t already obvious who it was that he’d had pressed against the wall a moment ago. 

“Mr O’Hara…” he started to say, voice laced with panic as he heard Toby’s sharp intake of breath from behind him.

“I’ll just… umm… I’ll…” Joe started, but when it was apparent he had no clue what to say he just gestured with his hand towards the door before turning and high tailing it out of there. 

For a few seconds Toby and Adil just stood there, both in equal amounts of shock and terror. Adil felt Toby’s hand shakily come up and push him out of the way before taking a few steps to follow after Joe. 

“No. Toby. Stop!” Adil cried, grabbing onto Toby’s wrist and pulling him back.

“I have to… I have to go after him,” Toby said, trying to twist himself out of Adil’s grip.

Adil could feel the panic coming off of Toby in waves. He knew that no matter how scared he was himself at that moment he needed to be there for Toby.

“What you need to do is breathe, okay? Breathe. Please, for me. Slowly. In…. and out. Good.” he said, changing so he was breathing deeply and repetitively. 

When it was clear that Toby was no longer going to rush after Joe with no plan or no idea what to say Adil moved his hands to hold Toby’s, needing the anchoring. 

“I’ll go to Freddie, okay? I’ll go to him and tell him I’m in trouble, and he’ll give me money. We can pay him to keep quiet. Whatever he wants…” 

“Toby, no!” 

“He would do that for me. He won’t even think twice about protecting me. He’s my brother, he loves me.” 

“I know that,” Adil replied, shaking his head. “But if you give Mr O’Hara money now he will just keep coming back, asking for more. No, I will not allow you to do that.” 

Toby pulled his hands away and let out a bitter laugh, and it sounded so wrong coming from him that it made Adil flinch.

“You won’t allow me? Do I have to remind you that it’s me who is your boss?” 

Adil had known that when eventually they were discovered that emotions would run high and words would be said. But he hadn’t quite prepared himself for how much it would hurt. They had never once mentioned the class difference before. For normal couples it would be a big problem, but for them, when they had so much else to worry about, it had seemed negligible. An unwarranted thing to worry about. Or at least that’s what Adil had thought. Perhaps it had been a problem for Toby this whole time, after all it was him who was settling downwards for Adil. 

Adil felt tears well up in his eyes and he pulled Toby’s hands back into his own, holding tightly on to them, as if that would stop the tightness in his chest and the feeling that he was already losing Toby. 

“I’ll fix this…” Adil tried, only receiving a scoff in return. 

“And how are you going to do that?” Toby replied condescendingly, once again pulling his hands away. It hurt more than Adil wanted to admit. He wondered if this was the real Toby coming out. The Toby that saw him as nothing more than a play thing, a person to satisfy his needs until he was bored who would then get tossed anyway. That thought hurt more than even the thought of going to prison did. Toby meant so much to Adil, and he wouldn’t be able to bear it if he didn’t mean anything to Toby in return. 

“I’ll talk to him. We’re, somewhat friends, maybe if I appeal to him…” 

“And what will you say? Even if you were friends the only thing he’s going to feel for you now is disgust. I can’t believe this is happening,” Toby said, cutting into Adil with his words as if he was brandishing a knife. Did he not see how hurtful he was being? Did he not realise that what he was saying was wounding Adil? Adil had always thought that Toby looked out for others, but perhaps he was wrong. Maybe he was wrong about a lot of things. 

Adil glanced down at his watch before looking up at Toby, who was now pacing back and forward in front of him, his hand periodically coming up to run through his hair.

“You need to go to work, Mr Hamilton,” Adil said, hoping the use of the title would pull Toby out of his panic slightly and remind him he still had a job to do.

“Are you crazy? I can’t go and work at a time like this!” Toby shouted, sounding appalled at the very idea. 

“Look Toby. I know you’re scared – don’t you think I’m terrified as well? But you need to carry on as normal. I’ll talk to Joe, see what the situation is. And I’ll come and find you when you return and if something isn’t sorted you can go to Freddie okay? But as a last resort. I promise I’ll try everything to keep you safe.” 

Adil watched as finally his words sank in and Toby deflated a little. 

“You’re right, we need to go about this logically,” Toby said, stepping closer to Adil and taking his hands in his own. 

“We’ll be okay. Both of us. We’ll be fine,” he continued, although Adil thought he was probably trying to convince himself of that fact as much as he was trying to convince Adil. 

“Go,” Adil said with a small smile, squeezing Toby’s hands. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Yes, yes, okay. I’ll see you then,” Toby replied, leaning down to press a soft kiss on Adil’s lips before he turned and walked away. Adil could see as Toby fiddled with his signet ring, knowing that he was going to be worrying the whole day, but at least he would be out of the hotel.

Adil didn’t take his eyes off of him as he left, because he knew that what he was planning to do might mean that this would be the last time he ever saw Toby Hamilton.  
____________

When Adil finally composed himself enough to walk up to the bar it was on shaky feet and with tears still in his eyes.

As he had expected Mr O’Hara was sitting at one of the tables, bent over and scribbling furiously. Adil felt a pang of panic slice through him, if he had already started writing an article then perhaps it was already too late. He took a deep, shaky breath and closed his eyes, picturing Toby’s bright smile in his mind. He had to at least try. For Toby. 

After a quick glance around to see that they were in fact alone, he made his way over and sat down at the table beside Joe. He tried to catch a glimpse of the words written on the papers, but Joe quickly folded them up and placed them over to the side. 

“Mr O’Hara.” Adil greeted. 

“Adil,” he nodded back with a smile. Adil, who was usually so good at reading other people, could not read a single thing about what Joe was feeling. And that made him even more anxious.

“Look, I’m here to explain,” Adil said, glancing down at his hands to try and think of the words. He hadn’t even realised he had been wringing them together, playing with his fingers, but once he noticed he stopped abruptly, moving them off of the table and down onto his lap where they couldn’t be seen. 

“It’s not what it looked like…” he started pathetically. How on earth was he going to explain away what happened? No matter what he said to Toby Adil knew that there was no ‘appealing’ to someone when they found out. There was no way to turn back the clock to before the other person knew, to before they were repulsed by you. Adil knew this, he did. But he had to do something. 

“Adil, I’m going to stop you there. I think it was exactly what it looked like. You and Mr Hamilton are…”

“No!” Adil shouted, surprising himself at the volume and terror of the voice that left him. He had never raised his voice like that before, and especially not to a customer. But this was different. Joe wasn’t just a customer anymore. He was the person that held in his hands everything that could ruin both his and Toby’s lives. 

“I’m begging you here, please please hear me out,” he pleaded. 

All that was running through his mind was Toby. He needed to save him. This was all his fault, if he hadn’t been so forward and impatient they wouldn’t even be in this situation. He had ruined them. But he’d be damned if he didn’t try his hardest to protect Toby, no matter what the consequences for him. If he had to sacrifice everything then he would. He would give it all up if it meant Toby would never feel an ounce of the agony this would cause.

“Don’t publish this story – the one about Mr Hamilton being homosexual and carrying on with his staff. I’m not naïve, I know that you’re a journalist, and that you need to publish stories – that’s what you do. But you don’t need to drag Toby into this. He has so much to lose. You can write your piece, but write it about me. The barman who has been harassing his boss, coming on to him, following him, not leaving him alone. Write about how I’m a nuisance, that it was just me making unwanted advances. You can write whatever you want about me – scandal of the homosexual barman at The Halcyon. But just leave Toby out of it. It was all me. I’ve been bothering him. I deserve…” his voice faltered slightly, “I deserve to go to prison. For what I have done.” To say those words made Adil sick, for he knew that even though the majority of people believed that sentiment to be true he would never understand how someone could be prosecuted for who they loved.

He was looking at Joe to try and gauge his reaction, but he was just frowning. Adil didn’t know what that meant. 

“You’ll lose your job.” 

“Yes.” Adil stated. Of course he would. 

“I suspect you’ll go to prison,” Joe continued.

“I would be surprised if there was another outcome.” 

“You’d lose everything.” 

“I would. But if you wrote about our relationship I would lose Toby anyway, and he would lose all that he has. At least this way he is not ruined. I just need him to be safe.”

“You’ll be seen as disgusting. Praying on your boss, the sordid details of what you did to try and seduce him. Assaulting him in his own hotel. People will be repulsed by you, by the very thought of you. Is that what you want?” 

Adil had to close his eyes to try and stop the tears from escaping. The words hurt him more than Joe would ever know. Disgusting. Repulsive. Vile. All words he had heard directed towards others like him. But never himself. He’d spent so much time recently trying to convince Toby that what he felt was natural and not wrong, that he had actually come to believe it himself. In their own small bubble, away from the real world, everything was blissful between the two of them. It had been easy to pretend. Easy to forget that the things they did were unlawful. 

“All I want is for Toby to be safe,” Adil repeated, trying to get the point across.

“You would give up everything for him? But why?” Joe asked.

For Adil, the answer was simple.

“Because I love him.” 

“And he would do the same for you?”

Adil thought back to the words Toby had said to him earlier that morning, his voice laced with panic and bitterness. At one point he would’ve thought Toby would do anything for him. Now though, he wasn’t sure. 

“No. I don’t think he would. This was… it was all me. Unrequited love. I am nothing to Toby.” 

Even though Adil was saying this to appease Mr O’Hara, to keep Toby out of the papers, there was a small part of him that started to think that maybe it wasn’t that much of a lie.

“And yet you’ll still do this?” Joe questioned, sounding bewildered.

“I would chose this outcome every time. As long as Toby is safe, as long as he still has a future I would give up the whole world.”

Silence surrounded them as Adil watched Joe absorb the information.

“I must admit, I was expecting this to go a bit differently,” Joe stated. 

“You didn’t expect me to beg for you not to write the story?” Adil asked, confused.

“No, that bit is not unexpected. But I thought you would be coming here asking me to leave your name out of it, not Toby’s. To save yourself.” 

“I would never!” Adil exclaimed. To take away all of those things from Toby, he never even would have considered it. 

“I see that now,” Joe replied. 

“Adil. I don’t believe what you’re telling me. I don’t believe that Toby doesn’t care for you.” 

Adil felt his heart lurch and the panic which he had managed to somewhat push down to a tolerable level came flying back full force. He was getting desperate now. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Look, Joe. I don’t have much money, not nearly enough compared to what you must make but please, I’ll give you whatever you want. Run the story about me. But you have to leave Toby out of it!” Adil begged, leaning forward on the table and looking into Joe’s eyes, hoping he could maybe see in his own how serious he was about this.

“I don’t want your money,” Joe scoffed. 

“Then what? I am only a barman. I am an immigrant living in a shoddy flat near Paddington. I don’t know what else I can give you.” 

“No, you misunderstand. I’m not going to write the story.” 

The relief that Adil felt was only slightly hampered by the thought of going to prison. He would deal with whatever was thrown his way. But Toby would be safe. He wouldn’t feel any repercussions of this. 

“Oh thank god. Thank you Joe. Just, I know I’m not in a place to make demands but please, let me write a letter to him. To say goodbye. Before you publish, before the police come for me. Let me say goodbye. I couldn’t bare it if I just left.” 

He had thought about it. How Toby would react to finding out that Adil had been taken away. Would he be confused? Angry at Adil for not telling him what he was going to do? Or would he be relieved that it was over? Whatever it was Toby felt, Adil knew that he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. Not after everything.

“Adil, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m not going to write about you either,” Joe responded, looking at Adil with what he interpreted as pity. 

Adil was confused.

“But then what will your article be about?” he queried, trying to think of another way this could go.

“There won’t be an article.” 

“I don’t understand. Are you expecting Toby will pay you for keeping quiet? Because I already told him that’s not an option.” Adil responded. There must be a hidden agenda, some way that this was going to benefit the journalist. Otherwise why else would he give up such a scandalous story? 

“I don’t expect anything in return for my silence Adil. I will keep your secret, I will not tell anyone. And you and Toby can continue, whatever it is you are involved in. Although I advise you have your rendezvous’ somewhere a little more… private. If anyone else had found you God knows what could had happened. You might have been dragged away in handcuffs by now.”

“I’m sorry Mr O’Hara. I don’t understand…” Adil knew he was repeating himself but he couldn’t comprehend the turn in the conversation. “You won’t tell anyone?”

“Not a single soul,” Joe reiterated. 

“But why?”

“Because, contrary to what you might think, you and Toby are both still my friends. You both deserve to be happy. And if being together is what brings you that joy then I am not going to stop it. I would never wish to see either of you in prison, or see the bright futures you both hold crash and burn to the ground due to my hands.”

“But, Sir. We’re both men.”

“Yes, I am aware of that.”

“What we do, it’s illegal.”

“Yes. I am aware of that too.”

“This would be one hell of a story.”

“Oh don’t I know it. But I’m not in the business of ruining lives Adil. What I do on my radio show, telling my fellow Americans about the war, about the brave people here in Britain and the awful things they face, I do it all to try and save lives. That’s my goal.”

Adil let out a relieved sob and brought his hand up to his mouth as the words sunk in. 

“Thank you Joe. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. To us, to both of us.”

“I’ll talk to Toby when he returns from work, straighten things out. Let him know that he doesn’t have to worry. I give you both my word that no one will hear about this relationship from me.”

Adil open his mouth to thank him again but was cut off by the shrill voice of Mr Garland. 

“Mr Joshi, don’t you think you should be refilling the bar instead of gossiping like a school girl?”

Adil quickly wiped the tears from his face and gave Joe a small smile, which was returned by the older man. 

“Sorry Sir,” he replied, standing up from the table and brushing his jacket with his hands, trying to make sure there was nothing else wrong that Mr Garland could pick up on. 

He just earned a small glare in return, so he quickly hurried off back down into the cellar. 

He couldn’t stop the grin appearing on his face. They were okay. They were both going to be fine. Compared to five minutes ago when he was certain that he was going to be in prison by this afternoon he felt elated. 

Their problems were far from over, but for just now they were both okay. 

____________

The rest of the day passed by terribly slowly. Adil wished there was some way he could’ve let Toby know they were going to be alright. But there was no subtle way to send things into a war office. He knew that Toby would have built himself into a right state but there was nothing he could do. 

Adil almost missed it when Toby did eventually fly into the room, his appearance slightly more bedraggled than usual and a frown on his face. They made eye contact as he started to make his way to the bar, but he had barely taken three steps before he was intercepted by Joe. The look of panic that Toby shot his way was one that Adil wished he would never see again. He nodded at him with a smile, trying to convey his emotions without using any words. 

Toby and Joe sat and talked for a long time. But overall Adil would say it went rather well. He supposed that finding out that someone was not going to publish a story about you and get you thrown in prison was quite a relief, and Toby seemed to think it was a call for celebration. Multiple drinks were had. Multiple laughs were heard. Adil could not make out a word of what either man was saying but he had become extremely competent at reading body language and facial cues, and it made him happy to see that they were both relaxed and cheerful. 

It was after nine o’clock by the time Joe retired and Toby eventually made his way to Adil at the bar. 

It was busy, and Adil wished he had more time to speak openly to Toby. He didn’t know whether he wanted to laugh or cry in relief, all he knew was that he wanted to be in Toby’s arms.

Instead he had to settle with a “Mr Hamilton, can I get you another?” 

He tried to get a feel of what Toby was thinking. He knew they had made plans earlier for him to go up to Toby’s room that night but would he still want that? It felt like everything had changed since then, and Adil wasn’t sure what it meant for them. Maybe this would be the point Toby called it off. Told Adil not to bother seeing him, that they should end their relationship. Adil hoped that wouldn’t be the case, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was. 

Toby was staring at him a huge smile on his face and Adil couldn’t help but smile and blush in return. 

“Toby, stop,” he whispered, looking around to make sure no one near was paying any attention. 

“I can’t,” Toby replied simply. “Come and see me right after your shift, promise?” he asked. 

“If that’s what you want,” Adil replied. 

Toby just nodded in return before turning away and slipping through the crowd. Adil had to turn to the back of the bar so that no one would see the soppy grin that had appeared. Toby was definitely something special. 

*****

As soon as Adil knocked on Toby’s door later that night it was pulled open and he was grabbed and yanked in side. 

He couldn’t help but let out a laugh as Toby beamed at him, placing his hands like usual on the sides of Adil’s face and pulling him into a kiss. 

Adil could feel all the emotions coming from the both of them. The utter relief, the joy, the love. They kissed passionately, for both of them had thought they would never get the chance to do it again. 

After a while Toby pulled back and placed their foreheads together, taking a deep breath and looking into Adil’s eyes. 

“Adil… I can’t believe everything worked out like this. I can’t believe Joe did this for us,” he said with a smile. 

“We’re both okay,” Adil replied. “We’re fine.” 

Toby just leaned forward to kiss him again but before things could get too far Adil pulled back. He knew they needed to talk. 

“Toby, I need to apologise. It was my fault we were in that situation, and it was my fault you nearly got exposed…” he started, and before Toby could open his mouth to tell Adil that it wasn’t (like Adil knew he would) he continued, “I understand if you want to stop.”

“Stop what?” Toby replied, the frown back on his face, his forehead scrunched up in confusion. 

“Stop this. Us. I wasn’t sure if you… if you would want to continue. This situation, it brought up the very real possibility of getting caught, of going to prison and I didn’t know. I didn’t know if you’d still want to be with me,” Adil explained, becoming confused himself at how Toby didn’t see what he was getting at.

Toby just scoffed. 

“I’ve always known the risks Adil. I chose you.”

Adil shook his head. He had to make sure Toby understood. 

“I cannot be worth all this. You could have anyone you wanted,” he said, and he had to look away from Toby as he let the words sink in. He didn’t think he could bare to see it the moment Toby realised that he didn’t have to stay with him. 

He felt Toby grab his hands and looked up, letting out a shaky breath as tears filled his eyes. 

“And I want you,” Toby stated. 

“But Toby why? I’m nothing compared to you.”

“You are!” Toby replied, raising his voice slightly. “How can you not see it? You are worth everything.”

“No,” Adil responded with a shake of his head. He knew the truth, he would never matter at all compared to Toby. 

“Adil…” Toby whispered, reaching a hand up to wipe the tears that Adil hadn’t even realised had begun to fall. “You are someone worth losing everything for.”

“I am not Toby. Please, you can never sacrifice yourself for me. Ever!” Adil begged. How could Toby not see it? He was either naïve or blind.

“What? When that’s exactly what you tried to do? Joe told me everything. About how you begged him to write the story about you. To leave me out of it. Why would you do that?”

“Because I love you Toby.”

“Well then it’s the same with me,” Toby stressed. “I would do it because I love you.” 

“It’s not the same.” Adil replied. 

“Of course it is.” 

“You’re Toby Hamilton. You’re irreplaceable. And I’m, well, me. I’m… I thought… I thought that maybe I was… disposable to you,” Adil said with a shrug, trying to play down the hurt that he was feeling. 

“Adil. You have to realise by now that I am in love with you. That I fall deeper every day. That you would never be disposable. Never.”

“But when Joe saw us, the things you said. The way you acted. You were so scared. You said he was going to be disgusted. I didn’t know if that meant that you were disgusted, thinking about what we had done.”

“No! Of course not. I could never be disgusted in us Adil. Our time together brings me nothing but happiness. I feel like I was simply free falling through life before you came along, and that as soon as we started was when I actually began living. This is my fault,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’m not good at this whole… relationship thing. I know we have to hide, but I have never intended for you to feel like I am ashamed of us, of you. I want to be with you. I have not tried hard enough to make you feel loved, not the way you do for me. Sometimes you act as if you know everything about the whole world, and it’s easy for me to forget that you have the same feelings and insecurities that I do. Even more. I will not pretend to even comprehend half of the struggles you must face, just for being who you are. But I will spend the rest of our days together telling you that you are worth something, that you are loved. I will keep telling you until you believe it.”

“Toby,” Adil whispered, his voice breaking from all the emotion that he felt. “You can’t say these things if you don’t mean it. It’s not fair.”

“Of course I mean it. You are the best thing to ever happen to me.”

“But you are who you are, and I’m what I am.”

“What you are is a person worthy of love. You deserve more than you think you do.”

Adil didn’t know when he started weeping but he felt the tears trailing tracks down his face and pooling at his chin. He lifted up a hand to wipe them away. 

“You have to understand,” Adil tried to explain, speaking through his tears. “I have never felt like I was something. I was a school dropout. An Indian immigrant. A disappointment. Homosexual was just another adjective to add to the list. I was fine for a while. But every rude comment, every insult, it chipped away at the armour I had built up until I had nothing left. But what I saw in you Toby was good, real good. And innocence, and a person who had not felt the cruelties of life the way I had. I didn’t wish for you to ever feel them. So I made sure that your first experiences were full of smiles and laughter and love.” 

“I didn’t realise Adil. I didn’t know how hard it is for you. You’re right, I’m privileged, I have never had to deal with all the unkindness you face. I am truly sorry that we live in this world that makes you believe you are somehow lesser because of where you’re from, the colour of your skin, your job. I love you. As you are. For all your flaws and self-doubts and insecurities. I love you. I don’t want anyone else. You complete me. You make me happy. Do you know how long it’s been since I was genuinely happy and didn’t have to plaster a fake smile on my face? Adil, you saved me when I didn’t even know I needed saving. You pulled me out of the despair and pretence that I was drowning in. You are my saviour. You are worth so much to me. And I love every single thing about you."

Adil didn’t know what to say. His heart was beating out an irregular rhythm in his chest and he was feeling too many emotions, he didn’t know whether he wanted to laugh or cry.

In the end he let out a sharp laugh that quickly turned into sob as he became overwhelmed. He all but leapt into Toby’s arms, pulling him close and resting his head on his shoulder. They clung to each other like that, and Adil didn’t know if the crying and the tears were coming from him or from both of them, but they just couldn’t seem to stop. He didn’t know how long they stood there for, Toby running his hand slowly up and down Adil’s back, providing comfort. 

It was a while before either of them spoke again.

“I would have done the same, you know,” Toby said quietly, as if not to break the peace that that settled over them. “Tried to protect you. I had time to think when I was at work. I was going to come back, speak to Mr O’Hara and see if he would take money for leaving you out of it. I never thought he would give up the story, so that was the next best thing. I would get the money from Freddie, keep you safe, tie up my loose ends and that would’ve been me. That is what I had come to terms with. That was my plan.”

“I wouldn’t have let you do that Toby,” Adil replied. 

“There we go again with the telling me what I can’t do,” Toby joked, earning a chuckle from Adil. It was nice to laugh again. He was feeling rather emotionally drained. 

“Oh but Mr Hamilton, I thought you liked it when I took charge,” Adil replied, unashamedly flirting. It wasn’t a surprise to Adil how they could fall back into this with so little effort after the conversation they had just had, as Adil had always felt incredibly at ease when he was alone with Toby. 

“I do,” Toby agreed with a nod, “I love that. I love everything about you.”

“Even the fact you have to bend down to kiss me?” Adil joked, sniffing and reaching up to wipe the last of the tears from his face. 

“Yes,” Toby laughed, “Even that.” 

 

Adil didn’t find the note until the next morning. He didn’t even know when Toby would have had time to write it or place it in his pocket. They had spent the night in Toby’s bed and Adil had loathed to leave it come the sunrise, but he knew that last night their relationship had shifted. Somehow everything seemed more real, more fixed. He felt as if he was no longer just waiting for the moment that Toby would leave him for someone else. He was finally understanding that Toby loved him too. 

Adil knew that it would be hard. To stop all the insecurities that circled through his head. Just as they were fighting a war as a nation against Germany, Adil was fighting a war inside against his self-doubt. It would be a hard battle, the act of self-sacrifice always trying to pull him in, to make him surrender. But maybe, just maybe, with Toby by his side he could get through it. Maybe he could win. 

He looked back at the note and ran his fingers gently over the words, beaming as happiness overtook him. 

'I have for the first time found what I can truly love – I have found you.'

**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever start writing something that you plan to be a couple of thousand words long one shot and then it takes over and you can’t stop writing it and turns into something a lot bigger than you had expected? Cause that’s what just happened to me :P 
> 
> A+ for anyone who knows where that quote at the end was from!
> 
> I made Joe a good guy cause he was fab in the show. Also I needed these two to have a talk and address Adil’s feelings of worthlessness, and I took inspiration from the scene in the show where D’Aberville found out and Adil told Toby to blame it all on him. Adil needed to realise he was worth so much more than he thinks! 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and as always kudos and comments are very much appreciated and are guaranteed to make my day!
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
